15 Sep 2012
Dear one,
Twelve days ago, I lost everything.
Well, not really everything but most of it, anyway.
I lost my job.
It's not like my job was everything to me. It's just that it provided for almost everything that I need. Sure, I had savings in the bank and I could get by; but for how long would I need to live on my savings? How long would the savings last? Sure, I can find another job; but when would I be able to find one? There are just too many uncertainties, too many things that I couldn't plan for and too many things that I planned for and will now have to take a backseat. It's like being given a project deadline for which I hardly had control over the other factors affecting the project. Six months, that's all I have; or else, I would have to leave this country. If you're a control freak like I am, you would know that this situation of helplessness is nothing but horror of the worst kind.
That fateful September day, though, I had vowed not to cry about the matter;. anyway, six months was a long time, I said to myself. But I couldn't straightaway call home because that same afternoon, Inay will be undergoing her shockwave treatment. Who to tell my story to, then. Usually, Ate Dory would get the fresh account of the worst of my troubles but she was getting married in five days. I thought I'd tell Bell and Mel and ask them for prayers but they were busy in the wedding choir practices. I thought I'd tell Ge and Apaule when we had dinner but there was the wedding reception song that we had to practice that evening. I just didn't think it was appropriate to interrupt the happiness that came with the anticipation of the upcoming wedding.
So I called my younger brother, shared what happened and told him I was thinking of rebooking to an earlier flight (for Ate Dory's wedding) since I didn't have anything to do the rest of the week anyway. It took almost all my resolve not to cry when he said point-blank, "Sa halip na magsayang ka ng oras sa pagrebook ng flight, maghanap ka na ng trabaho. Gastos pa yan (referring to the rebooking charge)." My brother had never really been the most sensitive person in the planet but I trust his logic in most cases. I forgot about crying, dropped the whole idea of rebooking and concentrated on updating my profile at Monster.com.sg.
Still, I felt I should tell someone in the SFC community too. My household, maybe? But I remembered Ate Dory's words which went something like we, household heads, should not be breaking down uncontrollably before our HH members because our members draw strength from us. At that very moment, I'm not exactly sure that I could hold my composure while I share the unfortunate news to my girls. So I decided against breaking the news to them.
I could have told my sisters in the unit. But everyone was happily preoccupied with the wedding too. So I sent a text message to En. In reply, she asked me how I felt about it. It took 15 minutes of staring into the ceiling of my bedroom before I found a word to describe my feelings. Lost - that was the word. I realized I was thrust into a situation for which there was neither manual nor documentation provided. I've never lost my job. I did not even choose to lose this job. How does one deal with this?
And as I was struggling with the answer to that question, along came the Twitter trending topic for the SFC National Conference (NatCon) - #BLESSED2012. My Twitter feed was flooded with tweets about blessings and answered prayers. I wanted to ignore the whole feed and not participate in any of it. But Lalai asked me to join in and use the hashtag too.
I lost my job. What else could qualify under #BLESSED2012?
Europe trip on my birthday. I had that.
Family. My household and my unit in SFC. I still have them.
Before the unfortunate turn of events, I had already said yes to serving in the Music Ministry (MM) for the NatCon. Heck, I've lost my job; don't I deserve a reprieve from the pressure of having to study and practice new songs, I thought. But, a blessing or perhaps a curse it maybe, I've never been someone who could just back out on commitments. So I continued coming for the evening practices. Jobless, I found comfort in the singing and the laughter that always accompanied every MM practice.
Still the prospect of actually attending the NatCon loomed ahead. It just didn't fit into the dreary picture.
The day I called home to tell them about my predicament, Inay cried all the tears I didn't want to shed myself. She wanted me to just go back home. I reassured her I had savings to use and that I only needed two things from them: that they constantly pray for me to get a new job soon and that they keep themselves healthy so that we wouldn't have to worry about additional medical expenses. It was only last weekend when I came to know, from Tatay, that Inay didn't eat a single meal that day.
When the family went out, my mother insisted on paying for our dinner and my aunt insisted on paying for the movie tickets. My parents had never required me to send over a monthly allowance but family dine-outs, movies and trips have always been paid for by me. That they weren't letting me do these things for them anymore made me feel worse. I wouldn't mind so much if they weren't hard-up themselves. However, I know very well that their retirement pension is the only source of income for my parents and my aunt and both my mother and my aunt are taking expensive maintenance medications. I wish God would give me a job soon, if not for my sake then for my family's peace of mind.
Fast forward to the NatCon weekend. East MM was in-charge of providing the music for the first day of the conference and I was assigned to sing the responsorial psalm at the mass. Regardless of how I'm feeling, the show must go on.
True to the tradition of SFC conferences, the NatCon was filled with powerful talks and moving sharings. I didn't know Tita Miyen personally but her talk and sharing seemed to have been written especially for me. She shared how she had been feeling downhearted that she had not yet found a job and how she had fought an internal battle with the evil one who was taunting her, "How can you still be standing there, proclaiming about your God?" Why, that was exactly the same struggle I had while I was singing the praise and worship (P&W) songs throughout the conference! How can I still be singing about how great my God is when I've lost my job? Oh, the tears I cried during P&Ws and sharings of the two-day conference - boy, was that exhausting!
In any case, I did not regret going to the NatCon. That feeling of being drained and refreshed at the same time - that was what that weekend brought to me. They say that when God closes a door, He opens a window. As I am writing this, God has not opened the window yet. However, I realized that He did not leave me empty-handed; He has left me with this community - with my household, with my unit, with the Music Ministry. That day, as I joined the rest of the community in the final worship song, I resolved that, while waiting for God to open the window, I will dedicate my time to what He has left me with.
I've always prayed for faith and patience. Now, God has given me this big opportunity to grow in faith and learn patience. I've realized that faith means giving God the chance to be God.
Sharings have always been my favorite part of prayer assemblies. It is inspiring to hear about how God had worked miracles for other people and had given them even more than what they had prayed for. Well, Lord, it's my turn now.
