Mr. Perfect, Mr. Unreachable & Miss Heartless

Dear one,

There are two men in my life. And for the first time in a long time, they are actually for real.

Guy #1 is an Adam Levine-lookalike I see at the gym every Monday, Tuesday and Saturday. Most of the time, he would be lifting weights a few feet from the group exercise studio where I'm usually attending dance classes. Sometimes, he would look through the glass door of the studio and I'd be all flustered and miss a step in the dance combination. Nope, the guy wasn't even looking at me but the thought that he might see me could make me so self-conscious like a high school teenager. You can just imagine my reaction when once I found myself alone in the elevator with him. It took all of my best effort not to faint. Hahaha.

Months have passed yet I still don't know his name. And months will pass, but I know I will never know his name. He is out of my league anyway. Mr. Unreachable - that he will remain to be.

On the other hand, guy #2 is someone I came to know through the Singles for Christ (SFC) community. Smart, sensible, mature, organized, responsible and hardworking, a self-made man with an amazing faith in the Lord - he fits my checklist to a tee. Plus, he is not bad-looking too. Like that line from a pop song, "nasa [kanya] na ang lahat". But while Daniel Padilla can say, "pati ang puso ko", I can't say the same. Exactly because he is perfect, Mr. Perfect is not perfect for me. No, not for my type of crazy and certainly, not for my brand of bitchy.

Mr. Perfect and Mr. Unreachable, I like them both. I like how they exist in my life - away from it. And maybe I prefer to keep them there where they will never be capable of hurting me, like some sort of defense mechanism I had developed unconsciously over time.

A few friends in SFC had been asking me every now and then if I have been praying for a boyfriend. In all honesty, I reply with a No. I just don't think I even have the brain cells to allocate for a lovelife or any semblance of it. A lot of stuff going on at the office, the general lack of job security for foreigners in Singapore, the loan I have to pay for 12 months more, a sick brother and parents growing old and sickly, and, the Christian Life Program (CLP) at CANA and all other responsibilities/activities in SFC, the only reprieve I get from all of these is the time I spend at the gym.

And lately, I have to admit that I've almost completely lost interest in meeting new people. Before you judge me of being a snob, for the record, the only guys who I have met or have tried to meet up with me can only be classified into four groups:

1. Boring - All the guy does is greet in the morning, ask if I've eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner and bid me good night. My mother's rants are more exciting than that. And mind you, she rants about the same things all the time.
2. Not too interested - The guy would enthusiastically chat with me today and send me a message again after two weeks or after a month. Then there are others who would ask me questions they had already asked the day or the week before and which I had already answered. If a guy doesn't have time to pay attention then why would I allocate time for him at all, right?
3. Too interested - The guy will compliment everything about me from head to toe. Then he will ask to meet up - at 1:00 AM. There can be no doubt as to what he is too interested in, really.
4. "Showbiz" - The guy will flirt through every form of social media networking and make it appear to the public that he's interested and all but in truth, he's only capable of press releases like what showbiz personalities are wont to do. 

For the last five years, I've lived my life in a state of constant pressure, sadness and despair because I didn't have a lovelife. Then suddenly, I found myself at this point of being indifferent about this whole thing. A 180-degree turn, from wanting so much to get married that I have planned out (almost) all the details of my dream wedding, I now have doubts on whether I still actually want to get married. From wanting so much to get married so that I can have kids, I am now seeing mostly the hassle of having kids. I mean, I don't hate kids - I love kids but if they're my kids and they throw tantrums, I can't just hand them over to another person for crisis management, can I? LOL.

I read John Green's The Fault in Our Stars and it didn't make me cry at all. Lizlie was flabbergasted, "Bakit hindi ka naiyak? Heartless ka!" To humor her, I'm reading another one of her love story recommendations, Rainbow Rowell's Eleanor & Park, though I seriously doubt this can pull me back into an I-want-to-fall-in-love state of mind (or heart).

Because frankly, I have forgotten what it is like and I have forgotten why and how.

I realized this fact when I saw Apaule's photo in Instagram last week. Judging from her tear-stricken face, I knew Gerald had left for Singapore that day and she has been separated from her husband again. Why does she cry every time? She must really be sad. Why does it have to be so sad?

A sadness and pining for a person that never gets old that I will always cry every single time that we get separated from each other even if it has been more than a hundred times - Will I ever be capable of feeling that way for another person? The last time I cried about someone was almost four years ago. I know I was very sad then but I can't feel that sadness anymore. And I don't know if I can feel that much for anyone again. I guess Lizlie is right - I have become heartless.

But I believe in love - I still do. In theory, I know it must be something wonderful and

beautiful. Then again, knowing is one thing; actually feeling it is another. The latter, well, I have lost it. And ironically, I feel happier. Is that bad? 

The King and I

When a girl is about 12 years old, she will receive love letters from a 12-year-old admirer or two. When she is 16, some boy would invite her to dance with him at the prom. On her 18th birthday, she will have a debut party where she will be dressed in a pretty gown and she'll be dancing with 18 bachelors and honored by 18 of her closest girl friends.

Every now and then, a guy will be so smitten with her, promise her the moon and the stars, whilst showering her with gifts - flowers, chocolates, stuffed toys. Gentlemen will open the door for her, give up their seats in crowded buses and trains and carry her bags and things. And when she cries, a man will hand her his well-pressed handkerchief for her to wipe away the tears.

Ah. The life of a woman. In many ways, it is almost like the life of a princess. Not all women will have experienced all of that but you would think every woman will at least experience a little of that.

Not me, dear one. I've never experienced any of that.

I was a wallflower at high school dances, a Miss Average Plain Jane all throughout college and a nobody in the office. No debut party at 18 (not even at 30), no flowers and sweet things, no special treatment anywhere.

I do my own homework. I do my own shopping and carry my own bags. I squeeze myself in jeepneys and I stand in the crowded bus and train, side by side with the men. I travel to Europe on my own.

When I need to get something done or fixed, I do it myself or find a hired help by myself. When I need to be somewhere, I commute on my own or find a way to hitch myself a ride.  Whenever I get sick, I take myself to the doctor and when I had the chicken pox and the flu, I nursed myself back to health. Whatever I would need or want, I get them for myself.

In short, I solve my own problems. I solve other people's problems too. And when I don't know what to do, well, I have to know what to do all the time.

"Lord, what about me?"

For years, I've wondered and asked God: "Lord, why do I have to do everything for myself? Why am I not like those other girls and women? Didn't I deserve the same? Didn't I deserve a bouquet of roses too? You are God. Surely, these things You can give to me in a snap."

But as you would have expected, God doesn't operate based on the challenges and threats a human being pose before Him. He isn't God for nothing, you know. For years, He kept quiet. Or so I thought.

In June last year, I attended the Princess Diaries (PD) weekend retreat. Reluctantly.

I had hesitations about attending the retreat in much the same way that I always have hesitations about reading self-help books. I don't like self-help books for two reasons: (1) What these books contain is common-sense knowledge that I already know; and, (2) The formulas in these books don't work unless I work on myself. Therefore, I think self-help books are overrated. And, in my mind, so was the PD retreat.

The PD retreat is basically about how every woman is God's precious princess. If you ask me the details of the retreat talks now, I wouldn't be able to tell you anything. I really don't remember much of it. I certainly didn't feel much like a princess for the most part of my life. One weekend didn't change that. The eight months that followed did.

Not less, only different

One afternoon of no particular significance, two realizations finally hit me. First, I was God's child, albeit loved differently. For many years too, I've struggled with jealousy for what I thought was my parents' preferential treatment for my younger brother. I had thought my parents gave him an easy time - he got new toys often and new schoolbooks and stuff, he had bigger weekly allowance, he picked on me and got away with it, he had his own way pretty much all the time.

With me, on the other hand, it was different. I had one Barbie doll and one play kitchen set and shared all other toys with the brother. I used borrowed schoolbooks and recycled old notebooks. I lived with my weekly allowance (I can't remember a time when I asked my parents for extra.). I finished all my homework and made sure I knew all my lessons because my mother wouldn't let me get away without a scolding if I didn't manage to answer all her review questions. I went home on time because I knew I had to be home on time. I did everything as told because I felt I was expected to do so or else there were consequences.

Years later, I would realize that my parents were strict with me not because they loved me less but because they loved me differently. Somehow, the way they had loved me prepared me for what my life would become today - a life of independence that entailed a lot of self-discipline.

In much the same way, Father God loved me differently too. He gave me a good college education but I had to study hard to keep the scholarship. He gave me good-paying jobs but I had to work hard on them. He took me to see beautiful places around the world but I had to save up for the trips. What He could not make me hear from Him in prayer, He taught me as He fulfilled my dreams, one by one. His lesson: patience and faith - that none of my hard work was for naught, everything will happen at the right time - not necessarily my time - and that I only had to trust in Him.

What makes a princess a princess

The second realization I had was that I was a princess because my Father God is King, not because I had a prince charming by my side or a knight-in-shining armor coming to my rescue.

"For He will give His angels charge concerning you, to guard you in all your ways. They will bear you up in their hands, that you do not strike your foot against a stone." (Psalm 91:11-12) In the years I've lived away from home before I even turned 18, I have come to know that I've always been kept safe by the grace of God. I have travelled as far as Europe alone but not a pickpocket nor a petty thief had managed to harm me in any way. Even in the most desperate of situations like getting sick with chicken pox in a foreign land, racing time to catch a flight, losing my job or missing my train stop in Germany in the middle of the night, I have only received kindness from friends and strangers. Who needs rescuing when my Father God has always got me shielded by His armor of protection?

The perfect date

Say it with flowers

A serenade, a bouquet of peach roses, a lovely dinner and a walk under the moonlight - that is what I'd call a proper date. But while no prince charming has ever done that for me, no less than His Majesty, the King has.

He has serenaded me with not just one song but with many musicals, "My Fair Lady", "Starlight Express", "Cinderella", "Annie", "The Sound of Music", "Wicked" and "Phantom of the Opera", among others. In the picturesque town of Heidelberg, He showered the roads I walked on with the loveliest of flowers. He took me to lovely dinners in the most romantic places. I could never have imagined walking under the moonlight in Paris, trekking up Montserrat and the tower of Cathedrale de Notre Dame, marvelling at the lush green of Batanes mountains, the pristine shores of Puerto Princesa and Caramoan, the magnificence of the Sydney Opera House, the quaintness of Fremantle and Salzburg, the old grandeur of Schloss Heidelberg, the mystery of Angkor Wat and the solemnity of St. Peter's Basilica.

The way to a woman's heart

How sweet it is to be loved by You!

Each time, He calls: "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me." (Song of Songs 2:10-13)

And as if He has not already taken her to the best dates ever, the King gave this princess a castle of her own.

God's gift

A house. My house. Can you believe it, dear one?

When it finally sunk in that I did receive this blessing, I was in tears. My mother was in tears too; she remembered how, back in those days, my father and she had struggled with their finances to have the modest family house built part by part. Now we have a fully constructed house, just waiting and ready to be made into a home.

There's still the furniture and the appliances and the mortgage to worry about. However, with all that God has already provided for me, how can I still doubt that even those will be provided for in due time?

When told of the news about the house, my closest friends say the same thing with that same knowing smile that has become oh so familiar to me: "Isa na lang talaga ang kulang" to which I would laughingly reply: "Oo nga eh."

But really, our faithful God's provision is always enough. Walang kulang. Anybody else who comes along is a bonus to a cup that is already overflowing.

Because my Father is a King

One lucky day

Four days ago, I was telling JM that I haven't seen him since September 8, 2012 to which he had replied, in the typical JM way: "Well, Geebee, Sunday is your lucky day."

Was it?

Remember that line from an old popular softdrinks TV ad? "Bridesmaid ka lang!" That line was what echoed in my head this afternoon. True, I was a bridesmaid in this wedding. Only a bridesmaid, not the maid of honor, but I was faced with the prospect of being the only female in the bridal entourage who will have to walk down the aisle alone. My partner groomsman was nowhere to be found.

No, JM, this Sunday wasn't turning out to be my lucky day. Instead, it was becoming more like a disheartening foreshadowing of my future - alone. Right there and then, I wanted to cry for all the aisles and paths and roads that I will ever walk on by myself. If not for the mascara that I didn't want dripping down my cheeks, I really would have cried.

Thankfully, logic eventually prevailed. I realized: This wasn't my moment; this was Apaule's moment. If I should be crying because of anything, it should only be because I was overwhelmed with happiness for her and Gerald. Yes, there will be many aisles and paths and roads that I will walk on alone but if I can't make it past this church aisle, how will I expect to survive those on my own? Kaya ko 'to!

And just when I was mulling this over, the cute little Bible bearer walked over to my side, whispered, "You look pretty", and took my hand. Who can resist such a sincere offer? I didn't have to walk on alone after all.

The cutest escort

I still did cry today, though. As expected. 

A bride's first love forever

I cried when I saw the father of the bride struggle to walk his daughter down the aisle. It must have been a bout with stroke that caused his difficulty with walking - I really didn't know. That touching father-daughter moment caught me by surprise. Before I realized it, I was already in tears. 

I guess what I saw was my mother, who can no longer walk without assistance, in that same situation on my own wedding day. I know she wouldn't miss it for the world. Arm and arm with my father, the three of us would walk side by side to the altar. Or at least, that's how I wish it to be like. Then again, only God knows if that will actually happen. 

ILHB

Heartwarming and true and beautiful. There was certainly no other way to describe Gerald and Apaule's wedding. For their family and closest friends who have witnessed their love story through the years, they know - and I know - Gerald's and Apaule's radiant smiles were the smiles of two genuinely happy people.

Cynics may say weddings are only for show. Well, yes, these two people were out to show the world how happy they were to stand before the only third party in their love affair - God. Eyes wet with tears, Gerald and Apaule promised a lifetime of love for each other. In this age of "LOL", "HHWW", "TFTFZ" and "YOLO", theirs is "ILHB". Ikaw lamang habang buhay. Hearing that, I think everyone in the church breathed out a collective "Awwww..."

#AlwaysATeamOfThree

Unrequited love may have hurt me once, twice, in the past but #GADestinationForever - and all love stories like this - will always make me believe that one lucky day, when the stars align, my own love story will begin.

Fair game

My luck in the bachelorettes' game finally ran out when Ate Rose managed to snatch the darn eggplant before I did. Boy, she sure was fast! All the other single ladies in that game were fast. Oh, they were not just fast. They were tough, too. The way they accidentally stepped on toes and hit each other's faces, you'd think it was gold they were vying for. Hilarious! 

And I mean no offense to the gentleman holding the eggplant. I know for a fact that he is a golden catch. (Naks. I do expect to be paid handsomely for doing PR for this guy. LOL.)

Ladies, what's the fuss about? :P

Well, as they say, all is fair in love and war and eggplants. So because I lost in the game, I had to be a good sport and join this bridal garter wedding tradition. You know the deal.

No, JM, Sunday wasn't my lucky day. But you know what? I think it was yours. Hahaha.

P.S. Apparently, on his way to the church, the aforementioned groomsman got apprehended by a traffic cop for making a wrong U-turn. He had apologized profusely for being MIA and had made amends by choreographing our "grand" entrance at the wedding reception. All's well that ends well. :)

Best wishes, Engr. & Mrs. Gerald and Apaule Yurag!