Alone in Saigon peg - fail

08 Apr 2012

Dear one,

There are two things left in my list that I needed to be able to do on my own so that I can determine for myself that I can survive being single for life. One of them is to be able to go, on my own, on a trip to a completely new place where I did not know a single person.

I thought this Ho Chi Minh (HCM) trip would be that trip. But it wasn't.

Just because I didn't want to be stuck in Singapore on a three-day weekend, I had booked a flight for HCM on impulse some time last year. I didn't even ask any of my usual travel buddies if they wanted to go before I booked the flight.

Either God is telling me I wasn't meant to be single for life or this just wasn't the time to make that trip yet; I ended up travelling with Circe, Amor and Liz.

Two days ago, we had arrived in this city formerly known as Saigon. Had I been alone on this trip, I would have been roaming the city with the soundtrack of the Miss Saigon musical on repeat play mode on my trusty Creative Zen player. Had I been alone, I might not have seen a lot of HCM though, because, knowing me, I would have stuck with the easy and the relatively familiar which would have defeated the whole purpose of travel.

But Saigon turned out to be just that - easy and familiar. Some people would compare it to Manila; but it's more provincial than Manila. In fact, I'd say it is Batangas City minus the taxis and plus more motorcycles on the roads. Everyone has a motorcycle here - from the delivery guy to the chick with the high heels and mini skirt. In a city without a train system, buses and jeepneys, the common tao goes around town using his/her motorcycle while the few rich ones drive around in their cars. The tourist, on the other hand, would usually opt to take the taxi or the motorcycles-for-hire.

Did I like HCM, you may wonder. HCM is not extraordinary. It is certainly not at all like any of Australia's cities and it wouldn't be fair to compare it to my current favorite travel destination. You'll have to use a different pair of eyes to appreciate Vietnam and another pair of eyes to appreciate Australia. And perhaps, I was able to appreciate Vietnam exactly for its ordinariness; it gives me that feeling of being a stranger and being at home at the same time.

I liked the food - it was my first time to try phó. The fried spring rolls I had tasted here were way better than anything I've eaten in Singapore or in Metro Manila. The couple of street foods we were able to sample did not disappoint too.

I won't mind returning to Saigon just to do my shopping at the Bên Thành Market; they sell fresh fruits and flowers, souvenir items and handicrafts, and other what-nots. Why, dear, if we're considering an Oriental theme for the interior design of our house, we would really have to go back to their market - the figurines and home displays they sell there are just lovely! We just have to be really good with bargaining for a good price.

I liked the Vietnamese people. They look but they do not stare - you don't feel like your personal space was violated in any way. A majority of the Vietnamese do not speak English well but you can feel how they sincerely want to accommodate your questions. I especially liked our Mekong Delta Day Tour guide - a simple man from the outskirts of Saigon who taught himself the English language so that he can find gainful employment in the city. How's that for determination?

Lastly, with our visit to the War Remnants museum, I was able to understand the wartime era that had defined, to a great extent, what Vietnam is today. Seeing how villagers were not just killed but were made to endure various forms of torture and how children born years after the chemical warfare still had congenital defects re-affirmed my stand against guns and war and led me to be more grateful that my family and I had been spared from such sufferings.

Yes, Ho Chi Minh is not extraordinary but the trip was worth every while.

* * *

Dear, I have to come clean.

During this entire HCM trip, the favorite topic of conversation had nothing to do with you at all. It was all about that guy.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I've been thinking about someone else. But I guess I should feel more sorry for myself because I've been wasting time thinking about someone else. I feel sorry for myself because, once again, I have not done a good job of guarding my heart for my sake and for yours.

In this trip, I also realized that I have already done all I can in my capacity to show that guy how I feel - so much so that I can come out of this experience without regrets that I hadn't done enough. Well, I do regret one thing: that I had done enough for someone who doesn't think I am worth his effort.

And if there was one other good thing that came out of this trip, it was that my friends now understand where I am coming from, why I think that guy was just not worth all my effort. I feel vindicated.

Yet Circe and Amor still feel sad for what-could-have-been.

As for me, I just want to move on. That fixation with the what-could-have-been is exactly what would prevent me from moving on. What was that piece of advice I had for Nancy before? "You decide based on what you know now and you could only know so much."

Well, this much I know. And my decision is not to waste any more time than I already have on that guy. Instead, I want to go dating and expand my network. I want to spend my time looking for you.

However, knowing me, I'll probably spend a considerable amount of time alternating between being depressed and being bitter. Then again, knowing me, I know I'll come out of this - once more the happy woman you will spend the rest of your life with.