My neverending battle with self-esteem

24 May 2012

Dear one,

I'm sad.

It started with that feeling of missing him. Again. So much that I wanted to see him and talk to him.

And then the longing turned into another full-fledged battle with self-esteem.

I know I'm no beauty queen. I'm lacking in many aspects of physical beauty - not skinny enough, not voluptuous enough, not fair-skinned enough, just not pretty enough. And yes, I'm not exactly the nicest person in town but I am not an evil person. Why is it so difficult for someone to love me the way other women have been loved? Why can't I find a suitable partner in life?

By today, I have counted three loves in my life. But not one of these men returned even a bit of what I've shared with them. Why do I always end up being hurt in the end? Why am I always begging for love?

You know how people try to encourage other people by reminding them of their positive qualities? Although I do appreciate my friends' efforts to do that for me, sometimes, I'd rather they not do it. Hearing how "nasa [akin] na halos lahat ng hinahanap ng isang lalaki" makes this battle even more difficult. How am I supposed to believe that if obviously none of those three men believed I had those qualities?

I wish someone would just tell me upfront what is wrong with me. In fact, I want those three men to explain to me why they didn't love me - why I wasn't enough.

And then there are times when people (especially my fellow Singles for Christ members) would tell me I should be patient in waiting for the one meant for me. They say it like somewhere out there, there is really someone meant for me. Seriously, do they actually think there is that one for me? Or are they saying it only because they'd hate to drop the bomb on me?

Yes, dear one, I write to you now, yet I wonder if you actually exist in my future. This is how sad and hopeless I have become these days.

You know that feeling when someone told you he/she would meet up with you at this certain place and you arrived at the place early. So you wait. Ten minutes. Twenty minutes. Thirty minutes. "Is he/she still coming?" you wonder, "What's keeping him/her? Did something bad happen on the way?" One hour passes, yet you don't get any phone call or text message if he/she is coming at all. Well, he/she might already be dead - but of course, you can't be sure. You're just left there to wonder and wonder and wonder. Sounds frustrating, eh? That's what it feels like to wait for you.