Friday, 30 August 2013

I could have gotten that guy

But I didn't.

And that guy from two weeks ago. But I didn't.

And that guy last February. But I didn't.

All three were good-looking that it doesn't seem justified for me to be choosy. Yet, I was being choosy. That was because I wanted something else they could not offer - forever. Then again some would say, "Who are you to know he couldn't give that to you eventually?" Well, as I have always believed, you decide on something based on what you know and you can only know so much.

It was the wrong place. At the wrong time. I just think it wasn't worth risking that forever with any of them. To do so would be like selling out our future, dear one.

But I didn't.

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Memories of Cubao

Dear one,

It's funny how something as trivial as this slice of Sarpino's pizza I'm eating for dinner could trigger memories from some 20 years ago.

Tatay used to buy me a slice of Pizza Hut Hawaiian pizza on our way to the bus terminal in Cubao. For me, it was an absolute treat - the most delicious pizza I've ever tasted. You'd think so too if all you've ever tasted in your young life was the homemade pizza sold in food stalls in the street corners of Batangas City. Pizza Hut was non-existent in our town until about two or three years ago.

We would munch on the pizza slices while hurriedly walking the length of Araneta Center to catch the last trip of the bus to the province on Friday nights. I was barely 13 years old then, struggling with my freshman year at Pisay. My struggle lasted but three months. I eventually succumbed to homesickness and transferred back to a high school in the province.

Pizza Hut wasn't my earliest memory of Cubao. When I was six years old, my aunt took me with her on a field trip to Fiesta Carnival. The most unforgettable memory I have of that place was the horror train - the scariest ride of my life. Other kids would have probably dismissed it as another boring kiddie ride. Not me. I've never ridden another one. Until now, I've shunned all similar theme park rides.

I returned to the Fiesta Carnival when I was 17, a college freshman in search of a subject for an English paper assignment. By then, the charm of the Fiesta Carnival of my childhood was nowhere to be found. Its sparkle lost, only evidence of disrepair and poor maintenance welcomed me. That time, Enchanted Kingdom (EK) was already the theme park of all theme parks in the country. But I couldn't afford a trip to EK then. I was already working when I went on my first trip to EK. So for another three years, Fiesta Carnival remained the only theme park in my memories.

Even when I was already a college student, Tatay would still usually pick me up from the university dorm during the weekends when I could take time off to go home to Batangas. I still got homesick a lot of times but I guess I was more determined more than ever then to finish what I had started, knowing very well that that time, getting that college diploma meant insurance for my future.

My father and I still took the last trip from Araneta Center Cubao bus terminal but we don't go to our favorite pizza joint as often anymore. Sometimes, we would eat at Popeye's (another fastfood which until now, has no branch in our province) or at other times, at the Ali Mall food court. And whoever thinks now that I'm a high-maintenance diva ought to know my father and I also ate at turo-turo carinderias most of the time; we have a favorite at P. Tuazon Street. Even when I was already working in Makati CBD, I regularly bought my dinner from the neighborhood turo-turo. My guilty pleasure: the pork barbecue sold at the corner of Washington and Dela Rosa Streets - that and fishballs and taho.

If there was one thing that Cubao would always remind me of, it was exactly that - that of how I mastered the art of adaptation; in local street slang, "pagiging cowboy", not just in the food I ate but in everything else that I did. Tatay, who had spent a good part of his youth living in Manila, expected me to keep up with him at all times. With bags in tow, my father and I chased after jeepneys and buses; surprisingly, I never got sick from all the pollution I inhale on the road week after week. We squeezed in overcrowded LRT and MRT trains, joining the hoards of people all in a hurry to get home.  (My father had teased me the first time I rode the LRT: "Sumakay ka lang ng LRT, pinagpawisan ka na."). We even rode pedicabs and tricycles. Taking the taxi was always only a last resort; we're kuripot that way. Tatay taught me essential survival skills - Metro Manila Commuting 101.

Later on I would come to know that when one has survived Metro Manila public transportation, he/she can survive almost anywhere else. The experience gave you a different worldview. You'd think EDSA MRT and Manila LRT were sparkling clean if you've seen the Paris and Rome Metro. And you would appreciate that, even if our metropolitan train system was less than ideal, at least we have one; Ho Chi Minh doesn't. When you see the crowds in Singapore MRT trains during the rush hour, you'd just smile to yourself, knowing that this is nothing compared to the traffic of people in Metro Manila at any time of day.

Cubao, from where I used to take the bus to Batangas City, was like a gateway that connected me to my roots and Cubao, from where I took the jeep to Ateneo, was much like the same gateway that connected me to my future. In a way, it had become some sort of comfort zone for me during that time of my life when this promdi girl was starting out in the city.

Almost 10 years after, a lot of things would have already changed in Cubao, not necessarily for the better; I know commuting has remained as much of a challenge. When I come for a visit, I wonder how I'd fare. Well, we'll see.

It's been a while, Maleta Girl, a very long while.

Friday, 23 August 2013

The Woman by the Yarra River

Dear one,

It was an autumn night - her first in Melbourne.

Freezing from the cold breeze that was blowing, the woman wrapped her jacket closer to her chest, sat on a bench by the Yarra River and poured out her heart. She told the story of a great love - her love story. You would think that so many years after it had ended, the twinkle in her eyes and the lilt in her voice would have faded away with time. But no. She told the story like it was only yesterday that she wrote that letter. Every little detail seemed all fresh in her memory; more so, what happened that day he made the choice and said goodbye.

She didn't cry by the river. Or maybe, the shadows of the night hid the glisten of tears from my view. With tears or without, I knew then she bore a heavy heart.

Only a few people have seen her cry. After all, she is a strong and determined woman who knows exactly what she wants out of life. She is not one to do anything haphazardly. Everything that she does, she does with her whole heart into it. That must be why she felt so mad that night in Vietnam when I told her my own (non-)love story. She might have been thinking that I haven't given the best of my effort into that person. Well, eventually, she came to understand that I did give my best but, cliched as it sounded, my best wasn't good enough.

I did see her cry once. On the eve of her 31st birthday. Her tears were just flowing like a river without ebb. It was that moment at the Yarra River once again - when she laid her heart bare for all to see.

Rivers punctuated the friendship I shared with her: the Yarra River when she first told me her story, the Mekong River and that night we argued, the Seine River and the fulfillment of our Europe dream, the Kaohsiung River and the second time that we stayed awake together, chatting about my life until the clock struck the first hour of my birthday.
By the Mekong River, we sat down and ...
Our view of River Seine from atop Notre Dame
The irony of loveless-ness at the Love River of Kaohsiung

But if there was one river I'd like to mark another milestone in our friendship, it would be the river of her joyful tears on the happiest day of her life. On that day, I couldn't care less if I will be baking the cupcakes, singing at the reception or helping her with the train of her gown. I will be there to stand witness to her joy - a testament that no matter how much it hurts today, it would be a happy day tomorrow. I hope she knows I am praying for that for her because I know that the woman I met by the Yarra River two years ago deserves nothing less than that.

P.S.
Dear one, if our happiest day ever comes, I have to warn you, she's singing "Eternal Flame". I did try to dissuade her. But, as you would expect, she's all hell-bent on doing it. So how? LOL.

Friday, 16 August 2013

A Letter to My 25-Year-Old Self

This time it's not for you, dear one.

16 August 2013


Dear Geebee,


Congratulations on your first international flight!



I know you can't believe this day would ever come - this day when you could travel outside the Philippines. While some of your classmates in grade school have gone to Disneyland USA before they even turned 12, here you are on your first out of the country trip at 25 years old. See? You didn't have to feel so sad about that business trip to Warsaw that didn't push through the year before. Now, you've taken your self to Singapore on a birthday vacation trip with your own hard-earned money. Give yourself a pat on the back, girl!



So, how did you find Singapore? I know that the minute you stepped out of bus 27 in Sengkang you had said, "I don't want to move here." Oh, but you would.



The year after, you did accept a job offer in Singapore and moved to lah-lah land - big, red maleta and all. You would consider that job one of the grandest financial blessings that God gave you, next only to the scholarship you got from the Ateneo. Thanks to that first job in Singapore you didn't have to continue scrimping and saving every penny of your salary until you're 30 to pay for monthly amortization just so you can finally call as your very own that little (literally little!) condo unit you got three years ago.



It was also thanks to that first job, Singapore will not be the last place in Asia that you will be able to travel to. Within the next two years, you will have seen Johor Bahru, Kuala Lumpur, Bali, Phuket and Macau. And your childhood dream of Disneyland? It might be 20 years too late but yes, you will make that trip to Hong Kong with Inay.
Disneyland is a place for kids from 1 to 92.

My next adventure. I hope.
And then you'll be friends with a spirited woman named Circe who turns out to be as fond of travelling as you are. Together, you will explore Melbourne and Perth in the Land Down Under. 

You will fall in love with that country so much that the following year, 2012, you will go back to Melbourne and Perth and also to Sydney. After that second trip, you would dream of migrating to Australia. Believe me, you would. I still dream of it until now. Unfortunately, however, there is no opportunity for me to migrate there yet.



Australia wouldn't be the last of your adventures with Circe. Again, thanks to that first job, you, Circe and your new friend Amor will see the iconic Eiffel Tower with your own eyes.
Setting eyes on an architectural icon - Eiffel Tower


You will also be able to appreciate the same view of the City of Light as Victor Hugo's Quasimodo saw atop the Cathedrale Notre Dame de Paris.
Quasimodo's view of Paris


That all-time favorite movie of yours, "The Sound of Music" - you will set foot on the place where it was shot: picturesque Salzburg, Austria.
No wonder Maria couldn't help singing

Wasn't having an audience with the Pope in your bucket list for the longest time? Barely a week after your 29th birthday, you would be right below the balcony of His Holiness' summer residence in Castel Gandolfo, standing teary-eyed and overwhelmed, just a few feet from Pope Benedict VI himself.
This close to holiness personified


Come on. Walk over to the mirror. What do you see? A girl in jeans and a shirt. That's all you've ever worn since high school. Back in grade school, didn't you use to wear hand-me-downs? 


From garb to glam
Don't fret. Miss Average-Plain-Jane-You will soon learn to dress up in skirts and blouses and dresses, too. 

Then you will meet Liz, that petite girl who, through the magic of make-up, would be able to transform you into... Voila! A model. Well, not really a model. But you will be pretty and have a few photoshoots. Can you believe it?!? 

You have to believe it. 

Contrary to what the mirror says now and what some unkind people have said to you, you can be pretty too!


That singing talent you've kept within the confines of videoke rooms, only disclosed to close friends after you've lost in the solo voice contest when you were six - you will finally show it to the public once again. In the Search for Pinoy Idol in Singapore Grand Finals 2011, you will sing your dream piece "On My Own" from the musical "Les Miserables". 



You wouldn't make it to the final six but what the heck! You will have had your three minutes of fame. Beaming with joy now? Haha. I know you are. You have the worst case of stage fright but you've always secretly dreamed of being on stage ever since the heyday of Little Miss Philippines.

And then just when you will think that everything's all rosy, you will lose your job in 2012 - not by choice nor by neglect. The good news, though, is that you will find another job after three months. Life will not be that bad for you but those three months will be trying ones; you will lose your self-esteem a lot of times.

Quarterlife crisis. At 25, I don't think you know that phrase encompassed that mixture of nostalgia and apprehension you're feeling now. I wish I could have told you not to focus so much on the quarterlife crisis, because, you see, I know now it will only grow worse for you in the next five years.

You know what else I know? I know that a few days before you turned 25, you prayed to God for a sign. You told Him that if you didn't meet anyone on your 25th year, you would take that as a sign that you were not meant to get married.

I hate to break it to you but you didn't meet anyone that year. And though you will, time and again, try to negotiate that sign with God in the next few years that followed, you will still not have met the one. You would fall in love twice and break your heart both times. You will attend about a dozen weddings of friends and you will witness these friends give birth and celebrate the birthdays of their firstborns.

It will be like you're a mere spectator to a movie entitled "Life". And you're not part of it at all.
Brick by brick

So you try to make a life of your own - tick some items off your never-ending travel bucket list: Barcelona, Madrid, Frankfurt, Heidelberg, Taipei; and fulfill some other dream that you can, at least, do something about: your dream house, brick by brick. Rather, hollow block by hollow block.

I wish I could tell you that you've finally met the one now that you are (well, now that I am) already 30. But no, you still haven't met him. I still haven't met him. There is still no ending to this love story. Actually, a lot of times, I wonder if there is even a love story.

I'm sorry, dear 25-year-old Geebee, your 30-year-old self sucks big time. She has failed to fulfill that one big dream you have dreamed of for her for the last 10 years. A sad, old maid at 30. 



But, hey, don't despair! She'll snap out of this phase. Soon, I hope. There's really no other choice but to move on. Anyway, as one of our favorite authors, C.S. Lewis once said, "You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." 

I guess it's just about time. For me to make new dreams. For me to choose happiness.



XOXO,

30-year-old You


Choose happiness.
(Image source: http://favim.com/image/43861/)