Second chances

12 November 2012

Dear one,

I don't like Sydney - I swear to God I don't. The dirty old trains at the Central station, the hustle and bustle of so many people on the rush; no, I didn't like any of that. What glimpse I had of the Darling Harbour - even that I didn't find charming at all. Only the Sydney Opera House managed to impress me and the warmth of family I had met for the first time.

So I vowed I'd come back to Sydney and give it a second chance. Albeit the limited budget, come back I did. And coming back was a decision I'd never regret.


The Central Station

Old and dirty. There just seems to be no other way to describe the trains in New South Wales (NSW). Certainly, they are, if one compares them to the almost immaculate trains of Singapore. And when one steps into the Central Station, one will surely think it the center of old (It is indeed old; it's more than a hundred years old.).

But there is, in fact, another word to describe Central - romantic. That, I witnessed when I saw this other side of the station.

I don't know if it was the stone walls, the stained glass windows, the bronze overhead timepiece or the combination of all three that had me enthralled of this train station.

No train station in Singapore comes close to the bustle that is Central; not even Dhoby Ghaut's busy interchange of the North-South, North-East and Circle train lines. The Central station has more than 20 train platforms, interconnecting suburb, city and intercity trains. I wonder if the people who have lived their entire lives in NSW could have memorized every existing train line there is or, for that matter, could have memorized the station names in every train line.











A discovery I made was that when one steps out of the station from the Devonshire Cemetery exit, there is a line of stone bust figures of heroes, mostly from Latin America, facing the street. One of the bust figures belonged to our very own national hero, Jose Rizal. Imagine my delight at finding something (or someone) so familiar in unfamiliar territories. (My cousin who has lived in NSW for 12 years didn't even know about this until that day I told her. Haha.)

Breathtaking. Always.

I spent the second day of my trip on a self-guided walking tour of the city. Right before I got off the train at Circular Quay station, I caught a sweeping view of the Sydney Harbour Bridge and the iconic Sydney Opera House. What a way to start the day!

The sight of the bridge and the Opera House was just breathtaking. Why, just that view could make me fall in love with this place. But I refused to relent to Sydney's charms.

So I went on with my walk under the sweltering heat, from the Royal Botanic Gardens to the Government House grounds. Then I went off in search of Mrs. Macquarie's Chair which was supposed to have the best view of the bridge and the Opera House. And yes, it did not disappoint; for the second time in this trip, the sight of the Harbour Bridge and the Opera House took my breath away.

You'd have thought I'd have grown tired of that view after seeing it twice. No. Indeed, three's the charm. By that time, I saw the same breathtaking view at Milsons Point, I knew I was taken. Irrevocably. Without a doubt.


Unveiled

On my first trip to New South Wales last January, I had tried (and failed miserably) to see the famous Three Sisters which, according to aboriginal legends, used to be three daughters who had been turned to stone by their father in order to protect them from the Bunyip. January was the middle of summer in Australia but it was raining that day and hence, the Blue Mountains vicinity was covered in fog, fog and more fog.

This time, though, on a wonderful spring day, with hardly a cloud in the sky, the Three Sisters could not hide anywhere - their magnificence unveiled for everyone to witness. You didn't need to be an artist to appreciate this overwhelming sight. You'd only need a grateful heart to see that this is another one of Mother Nature's poetic masterpieces.

Some hundred steps or so down the man-made staircase at the side of the mountains and I came this close to one of the Three Sisters that I could (almost) kiss it and hug it!

If last January's Blue Mountains trip theme song was Gene Kelly's "Singing in the Rain", this November, it could only be the Carpenters' "Top of the World".

Such a feeling's coming over me;

There is wonder in 'most anything I see.

Not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes.

And I won't be surprised if it's a dream.

 

 

"Finding God in all things"

Last month, I had been doing a Visita Iglesia of sorts, visiting the churches in Singapore that I have never been to. Save for one, I have already visited all the churches in the city I've called home for the last three years. This Visita Iglesia was one of the things I had promised the Lord I would do. I didn't really make a deal with Him about what I was asking for (Well, He is God so He already knows anyway.). I did it mostly because I wanted to feel a sense of accomplishment, something that's not exactly easy to come by when one is in between jobs.

I did not, however, expect I'd be doing a mini-version of a Visita Iglesia in this trip. Apart from St. Mary's Cathedral which was one of the mainstream tourist destinations, I had only planned to visit Mary Mackillop Chapel and Museum which was a ten-minute walk from North Sydney station. But I suppose it was Divine Intervention that led me to St. Francis Xavier Church which was also near North Sydney. I spent my lunch hour attending the noon mass there.

The following day, I found St. Mary Immaculate Church, a little church located in a quiet corner of Manly not too frequented by tourists. Finally, my last Sunday in NSW found me at the Church of St. Bernadette, attending mass with Tita War, Ate Brenda and Kuya Mike.

Four churches and one chapel - not bad for a nine-day trip.

One thought struck me: "to find God in all things", the primary tenet of Ignatian spirituality. Yes, God is present in every blessing that I receive each day but I think He becomes even more present to me in my travels.

I can never claim to have travelled as a pilgrim in the very sense of the word. I don't travel in style but I prefer to travel in what humble comforts that I can afford. Even then I find God manifested in the warm hotel bed, the delicious local food fare, the safe flights and commutes. In the unique, the iconic, the historical, the romantic and the beautiful sights.

This trip was no different. I found Him in the nostalgia of the antique Central station, the perfect blue of the sea at Manly and Bondi beaches, the apparent elusiveness of the Three Sisters. I found Him, above all, in the generosity of the family who did not just provide me with a bed to sleep on at night and an almost inexhaustible supply of food to nourish me everyday but also made me feel like I was home. I am so grateful for the daily breakfast, baon and dinner that Tita War prepares; I must have gained a few pounds from all that delicious food. I sincerely thank Ate Brenda and Kuya Mike for driving me to the train station everyday - certainly, such a lovely convenience over riding a bus - and of course, for the lunch, dinner and movie treats, for the gym session, for touring me around NSW - to Bondi Beach, Taronga Zoo and Three Sisters. And I also thank Kuya Jhoy, Ate May and their beautiful girls, Yzl and Kty, for welcoming me into their home as well.

"It's more fun in the Philippines," so the slogan says. I say, "It's just as fun in Australia, mate!"

And it feels as much at home here.

When God has not yet opened a window

15 Sep 2012

Dear one,

Twelve days ago, I lost everything.

Well, not really everything but most of it, anyway.

I lost my job.

It's not like my job was everything to me. It's just that it provided for almost everything that I need. Sure, I had savings in the bank and I could get by; but for how long would I need to live on my savings? How long would the savings last? Sure, I can find another job; but when would I be able to find one? There are just too many uncertainties, too many things that I couldn't plan for and too many things that I planned for and will now have to take a backseat. It's like being given a project deadline for which I hardly had control over the other factors affecting the project. Six months, that's all I have; or else, I would have to leave this country. If you're a control freak like I am, you would know that this situation of helplessness is nothing but horror of the worst kind.

That fateful September day, though, I had vowed not to cry about the matter;. anyway, six months was a long time, I said to myself. But I couldn't straightaway call home because that same afternoon, Inay will be undergoing her shockwave treatment. Who to tell my story to, then. Usually, Ate Dory would get the fresh account of the worst of my troubles but she was getting married in five days. I thought I'd tell Bell and Mel and ask them for prayers but they were busy in the wedding choir practices. I thought I'd tell Ge and Apaule when we had dinner but there was the wedding reception song that we had to practice that evening. I just didn't think it was appropriate to interrupt the happiness that came with the anticipation of the upcoming wedding.

So I called my younger brother, shared what happened and told him I was thinking of rebooking to an earlier flight (for Ate Dory's wedding) since I didn't have anything to do the rest of the week anyway. It took almost all my resolve not to cry when he said point-blank, "Sa halip na magsayang ka ng oras sa pagrebook ng flight, maghanap ka na ng trabaho. Gastos pa yan (referring to the rebooking charge)." My brother had never really been the most sensitive person in the planet but I trust his logic in most cases. I forgot about crying, dropped the whole idea of rebooking and concentrated on updating my profile at Monster.com.sg.

Still, I felt I should tell someone in the SFC community too. My household, maybe? But I remembered Ate Dory's words which went something like we, household heads, should not be breaking down uncontrollably before our HH members because our members draw strength from us. At that very moment, I'm not exactly sure that I could hold my composure while I share the unfortunate news to my girls. So I decided against breaking the news to them.

I could have told my sisters in the unit. But everyone was happily preoccupied with the wedding too. So I sent a text message to En. In reply, she asked me how I felt about it. It took 15 minutes of staring into the ceiling of my bedroom before I found a word to describe my feelings. Lost - that was the word. I realized I was thrust into a situation for which there was neither manual nor documentation provided. I've never lost my job. I did not even choose to lose this job. How does one deal with this?

And as I was struggling with the answer to that question, along came the Twitter trending topic for the SFC National Conference (NatCon) - #BLESSED2012. My Twitter feed was flooded with tweets about blessings and answered prayers. I wanted to ignore the whole feed and not participate in any of it. But Lalai asked me to join in and use the hashtag too.

I lost my job. What else could qualify under #BLESSED2012?

Europe trip on my birthday. I had that.

Family. My household and my unit in SFC. I still have them.

Before the unfortunate turn of events, I had already said yes to serving in the Music Ministry (MM) for the NatCon. Heck, I've lost my job; don't I deserve a reprieve from the pressure of having to study and practice new songs, I thought. But, a blessing or perhaps a curse it maybe, I've never been someone who could just back out on commitments. So I continued coming for the evening practices. Jobless, I found comfort in the singing and the laughter that always accompanied every MM practice.

Still the prospect of actually attending the NatCon loomed ahead. It just didn't fit into the dreary picture.

The day I called home to tell them about my predicament, Inay cried all the tears I didn't want to shed myself. She wanted me to just go back home. I reassured her I had savings to use and that I only needed two things from them: that they constantly pray for me to get a new job soon and that they keep themselves healthy so that we wouldn't have to worry about additional medical expenses. It was only last weekend when I came to know, from Tatay, that Inay didn't eat a single meal that day.

When the family went out, my mother insisted on paying for our dinner and my aunt insisted on paying for the movie tickets. My parents had never required me to send over a monthly allowance but family dine-outs, movies and trips have always been paid for by me. That they weren't letting me do these things for them anymore made me feel worse. I wouldn't mind so much if they weren't hard-up themselves. However, I know very well that their retirement pension is the only source of income for my parents and my aunt and both my mother and my aunt are taking expensive maintenance medications. I wish God would give me a job soon, if not for my sake then for my family's peace of mind.

Fast forward to the NatCon weekend. East MM was in-charge of providing the music for the first day of the conference and I was assigned to sing the responsorial psalm at the mass. Regardless of how I'm feeling, the show must go on.

True to the tradition of SFC conferences, the NatCon was filled with powerful talks and moving sharings. I didn't know Tita Miyen personally but her talk and sharing seemed to have been written especially for me. She shared how she had been feeling downhearted that she had not yet found a job and how she had fought an internal battle with the evil one who was taunting her, "How can you still be standing there, proclaiming about your God?" Why, that was exactly the same struggle I had while I was singing the praise and worship (P&W) songs throughout the conference! How can I still be singing about how great my God is when I've lost my job? Oh, the tears I cried during P&Ws and sharings of the two-day conference - boy, was that exhausting!  

In any case, I did not regret going to the NatCon. That feeling of being drained and refreshed at the same time - that was what that weekend brought to me. They say that when God closes a door, He opens a window. As I am writing this, God has not opened the window yet. However, I realized that He did not leave me empty-handed; He has left me with this community - with my household, with my unit, with the Music Ministry. That day, as I joined the rest of the community in the final worship song, I resolved that, while waiting for God to open the window, I will dedicate my time to what He has left me with.

I've always prayed for faith and patience. Now, God has given me this big opportunity to grow in faith and learn patience. I've realized that faith means giving God the chance to be God.

Sharings have always been my favorite part of prayer assemblies. It is inspiring to hear about how God had worked miracles for other people and had given them even more than what they had prayed for. Well, Lord, it's my turn now.

My neverending battle with self-esteem

24 May 2012

Dear one,

I'm sad.

It started with that feeling of missing him. Again. So much that I wanted to see him and talk to him.

And then the longing turned into another full-fledged battle with self-esteem.

I know I'm no beauty queen. I'm lacking in many aspects of physical beauty - not skinny enough, not voluptuous enough, not fair-skinned enough, just not pretty enough. And yes, I'm not exactly the nicest person in town but I am not an evil person. Why is it so difficult for someone to love me the way other women have been loved? Why can't I find a suitable partner in life?

By today, I have counted three loves in my life. But not one of these men returned even a bit of what I've shared with them. Why do I always end up being hurt in the end? Why am I always begging for love?

You know how people try to encourage other people by reminding them of their positive qualities? Although I do appreciate my friends' efforts to do that for me, sometimes, I'd rather they not do it. Hearing how "nasa [akin] na halos lahat ng hinahanap ng isang lalaki" makes this battle even more difficult. How am I supposed to believe that if obviously none of those three men believed I had those qualities?

I wish someone would just tell me upfront what is wrong with me. In fact, I want those three men to explain to me why they didn't love me - why I wasn't enough.

And then there are times when people (especially my fellow Singles for Christ members) would tell me I should be patient in waiting for the one meant for me. They say it like somewhere out there, there is really someone meant for me. Seriously, do they actually think there is that one for me? Or are they saying it only because they'd hate to drop the bomb on me?

Yes, dear one, I write to you now, yet I wonder if you actually exist in my future. This is how sad and hopeless I have become these days.

You know that feeling when someone told you he/she would meet up with you at this certain place and you arrived at the place early. So you wait. Ten minutes. Twenty minutes. Thirty minutes. "Is he/she still coming?" you wonder, "What's keeping him/her? Did something bad happen on the way?" One hour passes, yet you don't get any phone call or text message if he/she is coming at all. Well, he/she might already be dead - but of course, you can't be sure. You're just left there to wonder and wonder and wonder. Sounds frustrating, eh? That's what it feels like to wait for you.

On kids and family

14 Apr 2012

Dear one,

My niece turned one today. To celebrate her birthday, my mother prepared this grand kiddie party for her.

I'm kidding, of course. The party was simple but it was grand by our standards because we rarely hold parties in the house. As much as it is a hassle, having a party is also expensive. Yes, we're stingy that way. But you know, my family's always just had enough for the necessities so parties were not our kind of thing.

At Memai's party, I was delegated the role of emcee. In short, I had to entertain the kids. (The adults - they can be left alone to eat and chat and that's that.)

I had only prepared two parlor games. Lesson learned: Two games are not enough to keep a handful of energetic school-age kids, especially if you have eight-year-old Robbie among them. Why, he's as animated as Tazmanian Devil himself! I must say I was exhausted by the effort.

Our little boy, Nathan, would probably be as active as Robbie so the party thing is apt practice for dealing with our own precocious son, don't you think?

On the other hand, I'm just as excited for our little daughter Natalie. We'll have lots of mother-daughter bonding time. I'll make every effort to be her closest girl friend such that we can talk about just anything under the sun.

One of the parenting advice I picked up from Bo Sanchez' book was that each parent should have regular one-on-one dates with each child - dates that will be spent on hobbies or activities that interest the child. Let's do that with Nathan and Natalie so they'll know it is perfectly fine to explore and discover things together with their mom and/or dad.

You know how I always have a tendency to think way ahead. As I write this now, I am neither engaged nor in a relationship, but I talk about our future kids as if that future is happening next week.

Circe's difficult question over lunch a few weeks ago brought down to earth my sandcastles in the air. She had asked: "Bakit gusto mong magkapamilya?"

That question got me thinking really hard. Until now, I haven't found a satisfactory answer for it - an answer that is not, in any way, tainted by a selfish desire.

No matter how I try to answer the question, it all boils down to one thing: I wanted to have a family to fulfill many childhood dreams - dreams of walking the dog on sunny Saturday mornings, of cooking for and cooking with the family, of planning and going on family trips. In other words, I wanted to have a family because I wanted an extension of my self, like it is some form of fulfillment.

I used to criticize the female protagonist of the Taiwanese telenovela, "It Started with A Kiss" because it seemed like she had defined her sense of self-fulfillment based solely on the male protagonist - the love of her life - like everything revolves around him. At this point in my life, though, I'm eating my own words of criticism because I feel exactly the same way. Sure, I haven't met you yet but that feeling is the feeling I want to have for you and our kids. I want my world to revolve around our family. I want to be able to give the best of my self to our family.

Sometime ago, I had told Circe: "E di ba parang ang busy-busy ko ngayon. Ang dami kong ginagawa, sa SFC, sa mga lakwatsa at travel. Pero alam mo, if dumating si Mr. Right ngayon at yayain akong magpakasal, kaya kong itigil lahat ito ngayon mismo without regrets or hesitations para makapagsimula kami ng pamilya." And yes, I can really do that and I will do that.

But Mr. Right hasn't come along - you haven't come along.

Some people would tell me, "E masyado ka yatang busy, baka wala ka nang time para hanapin si Mr. Right." Well, I can't stop my life to look for you, right? If we were right for each other, won't we just fit right into each other's lives? So here I am going on with my life, keeping busy with things that make me happy and alive, praying for the gift of you.

Alone in Saigon peg - fail

08 Apr 2012

Dear one,

There are two things left in my list that I needed to be able to do on my own so that I can determine for myself that I can survive being single for life. One of them is to be able to go, on my own, on a trip to a completely new place where I did not know a single person.

I thought this Ho Chi Minh (HCM) trip would be that trip. But it wasn't.

Just because I didn't want to be stuck in Singapore on a three-day weekend, I had booked a flight for HCM on impulse some time last year. I didn't even ask any of my usual travel buddies if they wanted to go before I booked the flight.

Either God is telling me I wasn't meant to be single for life or this just wasn't the time to make that trip yet; I ended up travelling with Circe, Amor and Liz.

Two days ago, we had arrived in this city formerly known as Saigon. Had I been alone on this trip, I would have been roaming the city with the soundtrack of the Miss Saigon musical on repeat play mode on my trusty Creative Zen player. Had I been alone, I might not have seen a lot of HCM though, because, knowing me, I would have stuck with the easy and the relatively familiar which would have defeated the whole purpose of travel.

But Saigon turned out to be just that - easy and familiar. Some people would compare it to Manila; but it's more provincial than Manila. In fact, I'd say it is Batangas City minus the taxis and plus more motorcycles on the roads. Everyone has a motorcycle here - from the delivery guy to the chick with the high heels and mini skirt. In a city without a train system, buses and jeepneys, the common tao goes around town using his/her motorcycle while the few rich ones drive around in their cars. The tourist, on the other hand, would usually opt to take the taxi or the motorcycles-for-hire.

Did I like HCM, you may wonder. HCM is not extraordinary. It is certainly not at all like any of Australia's cities and it wouldn't be fair to compare it to my current favorite travel destination. You'll have to use a different pair of eyes to appreciate Vietnam and another pair of eyes to appreciate Australia. And perhaps, I was able to appreciate Vietnam exactly for its ordinariness; it gives me that feeling of being a stranger and being at home at the same time.

I liked the food - it was my first time to try phó. The fried spring rolls I had tasted here were way better than anything I've eaten in Singapore or in Metro Manila. The couple of street foods we were able to sample did not disappoint too.

I won't mind returning to Saigon just to do my shopping at the Bên Thành Market; they sell fresh fruits and flowers, souvenir items and handicrafts, and other what-nots. Why, dear, if we're considering an Oriental theme for the interior design of our house, we would really have to go back to their market - the figurines and home displays they sell there are just lovely! We just have to be really good with bargaining for a good price.

I liked the Vietnamese people. They look but they do not stare - you don't feel like your personal space was violated in any way. A majority of the Vietnamese do not speak English well but you can feel how they sincerely want to accommodate your questions. I especially liked our Mekong Delta Day Tour guide - a simple man from the outskirts of Saigon who taught himself the English language so that he can find gainful employment in the city. How's that for determination?

Lastly, with our visit to the War Remnants museum, I was able to understand the wartime era that had defined, to a great extent, what Vietnam is today. Seeing how villagers were not just killed but were made to endure various forms of torture and how children born years after the chemical warfare still had congenital defects re-affirmed my stand against guns and war and led me to be more grateful that my family and I had been spared from such sufferings.

Yes, Ho Chi Minh is not extraordinary but the trip was worth every while.

* * *

Dear, I have to come clean.

During this entire HCM trip, the favorite topic of conversation had nothing to do with you at all. It was all about that guy.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I've been thinking about someone else. But I guess I should feel more sorry for myself because I've been wasting time thinking about someone else. I feel sorry for myself because, once again, I have not done a good job of guarding my heart for my sake and for yours.

In this trip, I also realized that I have already done all I can in my capacity to show that guy how I feel - so much so that I can come out of this experience without regrets that I hadn't done enough. Well, I do regret one thing: that I had done enough for someone who doesn't think I am worth his effort.

And if there was one other good thing that came out of this trip, it was that my friends now understand where I am coming from, why I think that guy was just not worth all my effort. I feel vindicated.

Yet Circe and Amor still feel sad for what-could-have-been.

As for me, I just want to move on. That fixation with the what-could-have-been is exactly what would prevent me from moving on. What was that piece of advice I had for Nancy before? "You decide based on what you know now and you could only know so much."

Well, this much I know. And my decision is not to waste any more time than I already have on that guy. Instead, I want to go dating and expand my network. I want to spend my time looking for you.

However, knowing me, I'll probably spend a considerable amount of time alternating between being depressed and being bitter. Then again, knowing me, I know I'll come out of this - once more the happy woman you will spend the rest of your life with.

What's the deal with Bo?

25 Mar 2012

Dear one,

I don't like reading self-help books and certainly, I don't buy them for myself. I think they're a waste of time and money - because they contain material that the reader has known all his/her life; in short, plain commonsensical pieces of advice, that won't work unless the reader takes action himself/herself. I had only read Rick Warren's The Purpose-Driven Life because I got it as a high school graduation gift. As for Bo Sanchez books, they just weren't my cup of tea.

So I was a bit hesitant about reading "How to Find Your One True Love". But to humor my SFC household members, I decided to read the copy that Gelai lent me. And boy, was I amused greatly! As I had mentioned to Gelai, even if I don't get to "find [my] one true love" because of this book, I was still grateful to her for lending it to me; I had absolute fun reading it for a week.

I was embarrassed to be caught reading it in public places, though. That was why I covered it with a gift wrapper. Hahahaha. Come on! One look at the cover of that book is enough for other people to tag me under the "single and desperate" category. I'm not exactly of the desperate kind. I'm more the exasperated kind most of the time - exasperated by the fact that there doesn't seem to be something so wrong about me but there doesn't seem to be anything so right about me and hence, this perpetual state of singlehood.

Ok, so maybe I was also feeling desperate in my search for you that I did end up reading this book. As I had expected, the book contained practical advice, albeit radical. In a way, it validated some steps that I have already done (Flirtsome, anyone?). Sans the footnote advertisements which irritates me, I must say the book is good. One highlight of the book is Bo's take on the proverbial checklist. He advises to create three lists - the seven-item non-negotiables (mine matches his, almost to a T), and the must-have and must-never-have lists which must have 10 items each.

Seven years ago, I had created a requirements specification checklist with 25 items and I'm reproducing the list below. Item #s 11 and 23 fit into Bo's non-negotiable #1. Item #20 fits non-negotiable #3. Amazing, how I was somehow already subscribed to Bo's One True Love philosophy even before I had read his book.

However, my 25-item list had changed over the years. I've consolidated most of the items and overall, have simplified the criteria. In other words, I have "realistified" the criteria, or so I thought. My new item #2 seems to be the hardest criterion to fit into.

Sigh. I don't know. Should I really force myself to meet and talk to three single guys each week? That's 12 guys in a month, 144 guys in a year. But there aren't that many SINGLE guys in this country!

Seriously, I think I need to migrate somewhere else to find you.


============================================
Year 2005

1. someone who will take care of me (for a change)
2. someone who is actually concerned about me
3. someone to whom I mean something beyond the benefits of having me around
4. someone with whom I feel safe
5. someone who is honest and open to me about almost anything
6. someone with whom I can share a wholesome and meaningful conversation
7. someone who can make me laugh and smile, who can laugh at himself and who can laugh with me
8. someone who can read through me and know, at least, when I am not okay
9. someone who knows how to say I'm sorry
10. someone who knows what I don't like and tries hard not to be that or to do them
11. someone who is responsible for himself
12. someone to whom I can trust my life with
13. someone who always makes an effort to go beyond what is called for
14. someone who fulfills his duties and promises even if he is angry, displeased or hurt
15. someone who will tell me: "You are wrong, you made a mistake but it doesn't matter, I care for you anyway"
16. someone who knows what to say at the right time and says it
17. someone who I can be proud of, not just because he is smart or handsome or rich but because he is beyond these surface characteristics and he is more than just these
18. someone who is sensitive to what I can mean with my words
19. someone who is never petty
20. someone who is self-sufficient, who is not insecure and is not the type to say: I can't live without you; I'd rather hear him say: I can no longer imagine a life without you
21. someone who dreams and plans his life with me in it
22. someone who is thoughtful, is always considerate and is always generous of himself, in every sense of these adjectives
23. someone who is self-motivated and disciplined and who has a direction in life
24. someone to whom a NO is a NO and a YES a YES but after considering and weighing all options and consequences
25. finally, someone who shares my faith in God

Year 2012

1. someone who is family-oriented
2. someone who is Catholic (yes, specifically, Catholic) and shares the same, if not the higher, degree of faith maturity as I have
3. someone who is older
4. someone who is Filipino and speaks the same language as mine
5. someone who has less insecurities than I have

Me? A housewife?

18 Mar 2012

Dear one,

After quite a long while, I finally got my stay-at-home Sunday today. I was planning to spend the day cooking lasagna (for the second time) and making leche flan (my first time to try baking it instead of steaming it since we don't have a steamer here). But Circe had been really bugging me for cupcakes so I decided to make leche flan and bake cupcakes instead.

For this second attempt at cupcake-baking, I tried the more simple one of two cinnamon frosting recipes I had found in the Internet. The procedure was different from making the milk chocolate frosting which I did the first time; this time, I had to "cream butter, vanilla and cinnamon" and I wasn't even sure whether I did the creaming properly but I guess I did, because the result is successful. Yahoo!

So now I can proudly say that I can already make two types of cupcakes. :D

Milk chocolate-frosted vanilla cupcakes

Panda cinnamon cupcakes

As for the leche flan, it was another success. =) For Ben to say it was delicious means the leche flan was really good. (You see, he doesn't like desserts and sweets that much.)

I can't believe I'm enjoying cooking and baking this much, so much that it actually popped in my head that I want to become a housewife.

Whoa! I wanted to tell my self: Stop right there and hold that thought! Me? A housewife? Seriously?

What comes to mind is a conversation I had with my father when I was in my early teens, headstrong and defiant.

Tatay: Mag-aral kang magluto para pag nag-asawa ka.
Me: Wag na. Kukuha kaming katulong.
Tatay: E pano pag naglambing yung asawa mo?
Me: Bahala sya!

My father would have a good laugh at me now because I did end up learning to cook (and bake). But I bet he would be pleased - I know my dad; at the core, he has remained the stereotypical husband, the one who likes being taken cared of by the wife. For the strong will and toughness that my mother seemed to have over my father, I would have thought (and other people would have assumed) I'd be the same. In some ways, I am but the funny thing is, in most ways, I am not.

Dear, I know I'd be the wife who will argue a lot but will submit to your better judgment anyway. That, I suppose, is the challenge for you - the challenge to make the better judgment calls. I know God is preparing you for that in the same way that He is preparing me to become the wife who lovingly (if not exactly quietly) supports you in the background.

While I pray that I may meet you soon, I also pray that I may become the good wife that your are praying for, too.

I miss you, dear one.

Like all other Valentine's day

14 Feb 2012

Dear one,

I don't know why every year I have this wish that Valentine's day would be different. While you're out there, where exactly, I don't know, I really can't expect anything much about this day.

I did make some extra effort to dress up today, though at the back of my mind, I was planning to make a fast, painless escape from the office, grab dinner and then watch "Beauty and the Beast" for the nth time at home while pigging out on chips or ice cream. (Darling, don't give me that look. :p "Beauty and the Beast" is my all-time favorite romantic movie.)

However, my well laid-out plan was botched. Cha invited me to have dinner with a couple of her guy friends. I was thinking twice about going because I've already planned my evening - boring as the plan may be but my mind could be deadset on things. Well, there was one person who could have changed my mind with just one word - the guy I had told you about but he had been ignoring my existence since the day before. Anyway, enough about him because remembering that just makes my blood boil.

When I was about to leave the office, a guy officemate came over my desk and whispered, "San ang lakad?" I replied, "Dinner lang with Cha." In my mind, I was screaming: "Kelangan itanong talaga? Kelangan ba may lakad pag Valentine's day?!?!"

So I did go to the dinner, taking heed of Ben's advice that I should go out and meet people. I did not meet a prospect that night, though. One of our "dates" is happily married. The other is single but even if we were enjoying each other's company, we both knew we didn't think of each other in any way more than just casual acquaintances.

In fairness, I did enjoy that dinner and in fairness to Cha's friends, I did enjoy their company. Both comedians au naturel, they took turns entertaining us with their funny stories and relationship advice. We were practically laughing the whole time. It was a fun way to spend the night.

How about you? Were you out on a real date? It's ok, you can tell me about it. That will all be in the past now by the time you get to read this. Even then, I can't help but wish that I was with you today instead.

Beautiful homes

28 Jan 2012


Dear one,


I went to my cousin's house near the Pennant Hills area. She, her husband and her mother had migrated to Australia 12 years ago and this was the first time I'm meeting them.


My, oh my, what a lovely house they have! It looks like something taken out of an interior design magazine.


Sigh. Beautiful houses make me envious. It's one of my biggest dreams to own one.


Do you know what I would want our dream house to look like? The house doesn't have to be big but it should have a patch of land that we could have a flower garden on. (I don't know how to grow plants, by the way. But we could try it out together, right?)


In our garden, we'll have a grotto for Our Lady of Lourdes. Yeah, it's a must because I grew up in a house with one. It would be a blessing if Natalie and Nathan would grow up knowing Mama Mary, too.


We'd have two or three bedrooms and an attic. Haha. My mother says I just wanted to have an attic because Sarah of the novel, "A Little Princess" had lived in one. Well, yeah, she's right; I'm romantic that way. Hahaha. May I have my attic, dear one? =)


Then, we'll have a nice kitchen. I hope we can save up for all the kitchen appliances and utensils. You know I really want to try out the recipes I pick everywhere so we must have at least a little oven. Hehe. Promise, I already know how to cook non-fried dishes! You won't have to survive on egg dishes, hotdogs, canned goods and instant noodles. I just can't wait to cook for you! (I wonder what your favorite food would be. I hope it won't be too complicated to learn.)


We'll also have a terrace, a balcony or a veranda - you choose. I just thought it would be nice to have a place where we can sit quietly, share coffee/tea and talk while we watch over the kids playing.

Yeah, yeah. I know it's passé yet again. But that's me - I'm all for the sentimental, the romantic, the passé. I'm sure God would have prepared you to handle all that about me, in much the same way that He is preparing me for you. This long wait is, I think, supposed to teach me patience. Haha. If I'm going to be a good wife to any man, patience should become one of my virtues. I'll learn that soon enough.


Dear, I do realize that it's not the beautiful house that makes a beautiful home. It's you, me and our children together as one family - that's the most beautiful home we could ever have.


I'm really missing you in my life now.

Little kids and big dreams

26 Jan 2012

Dear one,

Happy Australia Day!

We're flying to Sydney today!

As I was waiting to board the plane, I overheard this boy telling his dad, "That's the truck that boards the plane." The boy was pointing to the outside of the walkway that connects the boarding gate and the door of the plane. It does look a lot like a container truck. Then the boy went on to say: "I wish I could fly a plane."

Awww... Little kids and their big dreams.

Did you know I had wanted to become a nun when I was young? I know, I know. You're rolling on the floor, laughing now, because you think no religious order would take me in. Haha. I haven't tried getting into any, though.

I wonder how many kids we'll have. I'm ok with having two - one boy and one girl. Sorry, I already took the liberty of naming them: Nathan and Natalie Marie. Of course, Nathan's full name would include your name in it.

While at Hong Kong Disneyland early last year, I had told my mother that I was going to take my future kids to Disneyland too.

Going to Disneyland was my childhood dream. For that matter, travelling the world was my childhood dream.

As you would already have known, although we weren't poor, my parents did not have the money to spend on luxury, so trips and expensive toys had to take the backseat for the necessities and school tuition fees.

Looking back, I think my parents had invested well. The good schools they had spent hard-earned money on eventually paved the way for a good job for me. And the good job pays well enough for me to go on trips and occasional shopping sprees.

Dear, let's be sure to save enough to send our kids to good schools and universities too, okay? I want them to be able to choose whatever course they'd want to take in college without having to worry about how much the tuition fee would cost and whether the job they'd get after graduation would pay high salaries. Why, if they want to be a photographer or musician, then so be it! I would have wanted to become a stage actress if I didn't feel compelled to become financially independent straight out of college as soon as possible.

Also, let's work hard together so that we can also take our Natalie and Nathan to theme park excursions, beach outings and zoo adventures all around the globe as soon as they are old enough to appreciate these things.

Big dreams, eh? When I talk about my kids, I've always remained like a little kid myself - a little kid with big dreams.

But I'm not working solo on these big dreams; we're together in it now.

Moments that cameras cannot capture

24 Jan 2012

Dear one,

I went to Philip Island to watch the Penguin Parade tonight. Unfortunately, the park management doesn't allow camera use at all. I suppose it's because they couldn't control the tourists from using the flash so they've completely prohibited photography and videography.

This is one of those times when I wish I could have taken a video of the moment - every second of it - so that I could have shared it with you. I know you would have been as delighted of those little penguins as I had been. These are the world's smallest penguins. At sunset, they emerge from the sea and make their way across the beach to their sand dune burrows. As these are untrained animals, it's the visitors who have to adjust to their timings. So we had to wait awhile in the cold while the penguins gather up in their small groups. Oh, you have to see them lining up and walking with their heads first, their little round butts swaying fast - just cute!

And then we treaded through the boardwalk (Ohhh... The wind was blowing real cold!) to view the penguins finding their own burrows. A lot of my friends know I'm not a fan of birds but oh my, I could hold and cuddle these cuties anytime!

Sigh... This whole trip - every beautiful thing I've seen - I wish I could have captured everything on video to share with you and with everyone important to me. Well, I wish I could have been seeing these with you but we haven't met yet. There's always that part of me that knows (and hopes) when we're finally together, we'll be visiting new places and re-visiting others and making our own memories, sharing moments that are always more precious than anything a camera can capture.

You married a diva

23 Jan 2012

Dear one,

I realized yet once again that I'm not cut out for backpacking trips.

I am sorely disappointed with the accommodation we got here in Melbourne. Exford Hotel doesn't fit into my definition of a hotel at all! That it is a backpackers' hotel, they should have had the integrity of putting that in their hotel's branding.

I just realized I'm ranting. I'm sorry, dear, you had married a diva. Or at least, Ben thinks I am one.

I'm not, really.

As you know, I'm no rich man's daughter. I was raised in a household with neither nanny nor maid and I was expected by my mother to help clean the house, wash dishes and wash clothes by hand. With that upbringing, how would one become a diva?!?

Well, "diva" wasn't the worst of it. I've been labelled "high maintenance" too. WTH. That label ticks me off, bigtime, most especially if the remark came from a guy who just met me and virtually knows nothing about me.

And there I go again, ranting. Sorry! I just hate it when people think it's difficult to be with me. Is it that difficult, dear?

Sometimes, I think I've been loved too much by my parents and that's what makes it difficult for other people to love me - because they think they need to compete with that love or maybe it's me expecting the same love from other people.

It's just sad that, as I write this now, no one else thinks I deserved that much.

You, dear one, will be the only, if not the first, who will have thought I deserved to be loved that much and more. That's how significant you will play a role in my life - the man who loved a so-called unlovable diva.

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying

21 Jan 2012

Dear one,

It's 3:15AM. Make a guess where I am!

I'm at the Perth International Airport, waiting for the first shuttle bus to the city and the bus doesn't leave until 6AM so here I am trying to kill time while Ish is taking a nap.

When I travel to different places, I think about you. I think about how I would have loved travelling the world with you. That sounds passé. But really, nothing beats seeing beautiful and favorite destinations with the most special man in one's life.

Travelling is one of my favorite pasttimes - next only to, if not of the same level as, singing and cooking. And I wish I could share that passion for travelling with you. In the same way that I'd like to be able to share a lot of the things I love with you.

Did you know I feel like I've been waiting for you for a long time already? At the time I'm writing this, it feels like I've been waiting for you for more than a decade. When one's 18 and in college, that's when one dreams of what lies ahead of her. I have never fallen in love then. I was just wishing and hoping to fall in love with someone that fits the 26 items in my checklist.

When I reached my mid-20s, that's when I realized I was only looking for a few things - good conversation, responsibility and family-orientedness. I realized I was looking for you.

I fell in love at 27, though. With the wrong person.

Moving on was difficult - I just didn't want to go through anything like that anymore. Still, I remained wishing and hoping for a love.

And then I started praying for you - a man after God's own heart.

Clean slate

16 Jan 2012

Dear one,

It came from Cha's best friend.

The idea was to write a journal for you - a journal that would chronicle my life before I married you.

At first, I was hesitant to start such a journal because I thought I needed a clean slate before I can start. I thought that when I write for you it should be just about you and not about some image of a guy who happens to be interesting at the moment.

But I realized I just might never find myself with a clean slate.

By the time, you, as my husband, get to read this, I would have fallen in and out of love at least once and would have broken my heart many times. If I had already fallen in love in the past, what made you more special than the one before, you may ask. Well, you're the first one who loved me enough. In fact, you're the only one who loved me enough. And you'll understand more just how important that is to me.